


Pot Holes Are A Part of The Journey

by CranesOfPaper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adopted Children, Adults, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, College, Drag Queens, Drug Use, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Growing Old Together, Happy Ending, High School, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Openly Bisexual Dean Winchester, Recreational Drug Use, Religious Guilt, Self-Discovery, Tattoos, The rape warning has to do with Cas in conversion therapy, There will be discussions of theology and debates around the existence of God, Trauma, Underage Drinking, conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:55:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28111260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CranesOfPaper/pseuds/CranesOfPaper
Summary: Cas and Dean meet in the summer of 1986 when they're 7yo becoming instant best friends, but life rarely plays out the way you think. A tragedy leads Dean to move away.They meet again 10y later now teenagers and life have already dealt them their fair share of grief.  Rediscovering a long lost friendship, that with time grows into something stronger. Life is never smooth sailing there is bound to be potholes along the way, but hopefully, those tagging along for the ride are willing to stick it out with you until the end.  They say Journey's end in lovers meeting, but it's not about the destination it's the journey.The story follows Dean and Castiel go through life, through ups and downs, from strangers to friends, from friends to lovers, from lovers to partners.
Relationships: Castiel (Supernatural)/Other(s), Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester/Other(s), Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is the very first fic I've ever published so be kind. tags may change and I'll add more later on.  
> The current tags are based on the outline I've for this story if you feel like I should add more let me know!  
> Hope you enjoy my dribbles.

The early October morning was only just crawling over the misty mountains. The first rays of the sun break through the mist and dance on the surface of the lake. Castiel wrapped the knitted blanket tighter around himself as a shield against the lingering frost of the night. From where he was sitting on the pier he could hear a bird calling out to the rest of its flock somewhere in the surrounding woods, its sad song echoing over the water. Autumn had yet to convince the trees to shake their leaves, but the nightly frost had coloured them in a range of bright reds and yellows creating a strong contrast against the still pale sky and dark mountains.

He inhaled deeply feeling the crisp morning air fill his old lungs and sighed loudly on the exhale. These early autumn mornings out by the pier of their cottage had once upon a time been his favourite, now they filled him with a melancholy that made the sorrow in his bones ache. Cas looked down at his wrinkled hands wrapped around the chipped “Best Papa in The World”- Mug and tightened his grip around it, his wedding ring making a quiet 'click' against the porcelain, the warmth travelling up his tired arms giving him little comfort.

Today, three years ago, he had to bury Dean. The pier used to be Dean’s favourite spot as well, he had used to come down here before daybreak, just to watch the sun come up. (During the summer he would fish before the sun drove them to dive deeper into the darkness of the water where they'd be safe) Cas would join him an hour or so later with two cups of coffee. They'd sit there enjoying the comfortable silence that at times fell between them. No words were needed to convey how they felt in those moments, perhaps there were no words that that would have been enough. They'd just listen to the soft sound of the water lick the base of the pier until Dean would lean in to plant a kiss on his cheek asking if he wanted breakfast.

For a while after Dean’s death, Cas would walk down here with two full cups, only for the coffee in the “Bert and Ernie”- mug to be left next to Cas on the bench to go cold. The person it was intended for no longer there to drink it. Now Cas left the mug empty on the counter in the kitchen.

Losing his partner had been the most painful thing imaginable, it had felt like an ice dagger buried in his chest. Cas was so utterly grateful for the life they had had. He had gotten dealt a better hand in life than most people could dream of. Looking at the fog still clinging to the surface of the lake, dancing over the water, Cas could swear he could make out little shapes in the mist. Figures playing out the memories of his life; meeting Dean, becoming best friends, falling in love, falling apart, that night in Charlie's kitchen, getting married, raising their daughter, her graduation, her wedding, the birth of their grandson, Dean’s diagnosis, the last six months and finally the funeral. The 57 years he had gotten with Dean, over a lifetime spent together, was now only a string of hazy memories.

Memories were fickle, fragile little things. Some were so clear, that had he had the skills, he could've drawn them in excruciating detail. Others blurry, like the person taking the picture, had forgotten to focus the camera. And yet the emotions linked to each one, so real they, in turn, made the memories real. 

Cas was tired despite having just woken up he could feel the tiredness in his soul. He had felt himself grow wearier and wearier, ever since Dean’s death. If he closes his eyes he can still hear Dean’s laugh carry over from the garage, where he'd work, first on his own car later on multiple others when his body shop took off. 

With a sigh Cas stands up, grabbing on to the blanket to stop it from sliding down his shoulders. The Sun has now risen above the mountain peaks, still warm enough to defrost the ground as a reminder that summer was not quite ready to let go just yet. Cas turns his back to the lake and heads back to the cabin. Emma was going to visit later that evening so Cas was planning on baking her Dean's special, a blueberry and raspberry pie. He had ensured he had all the ingredients on his last trip into town. The town was nearly unrecognisable compared to the town he remembered running through age 7 in a hurry to get to the now gone Oka tree, had it fallen in an autumn storm or had it been cut down? 

The sun rose to its full position while Cas mixed the ingredients for the pie crust, Dean's voice echoing through his mind. " _It's easy and so much better than the store-bought crap, Cas"_

Cas was humming along to the _House of the rising sun_ playing over the stereo, filling the haunting silence of their home. Emma had tried to convince him to move out and in with her and her family, if not, at least closer to town. ( _Dad, I don't like you being out here by yourself. What if something happens?)_

He had politely refused, the cabin was his home, it was where he had lived and it would be where he died. The stubborn look his daughter had shot his way after he told her so, was so identical to her other dad it had made Cas laugh and kiss her forehead as he had done so many times her growing up. 

Cas rolled out the dough over a pie tin, pressing it down and pinching the edges. The song now playing was _Dust in the Wind._ With a sigh, he poured the berry filling into the crust, before sticking the whole thing into the preheated oven. Setting a timer for 40min, he sat down in their living room with the book he had found at a flea market: _When time stopped by Ariana Neumann._

He had only read a few chapters before the timer went off, he set the pie to the side to cool off. Emma would arrive in a few hours, leaving him enough time to take a short nap. (why don't they warn you about how exhausting getting old was?) 

Cas laid down on top of the comforter on the left side of their bed, the right was untouched from how Dean had left it. Cas crossed his right arm over his chest, laying the left one slightly stretched out towards Dean's side. The house smelled like freshly baked pie and the soft notes of _In My Time of Dying_ carried into the master bedroom from the living room where Cas had left the stereo on.

He felt a familiar warm hand slid into his, giving it a soft squeeze. It was the hand of a much younger man, slightly rough from working on cars every day, otherwise smooth unaffected by old age. A soft smile tugged on Cas' lips as he closed his eyes and fell asleep his joints no longer ached, his breathing no longer laboured, he felt light and peaceful. 

When Emma arrived an hour later she found a berry pie in the kitchen, the stereo playing _Hey Jude_ in the living room and her father asleep in the bedroom. The funeral was a week later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thank you to @moepowe on TikTok for helping me proofread and edit!


	2. 1986: Journeys Begin in The Meeting of Friends.

Dean swung himself down onto a lower branch of the large old Oak tree, the rough bark scraping at his palms. The thick green foliage filtering out the hot summer sun, making the tree nice and cool. He had tried to reach the top, one of the older boys had said you could see all the way to the old Harkness’ farm.  
Harkness was an old grumpy man living on the outskirts of town, all the kids were terrified of him. Jesse Turner had told Dean that Mr Harkness had killed his wife and fed her to the pigs, but when Dean had repeated the story to his mom asking if he, too, would be fed to the pigs if the farmer caught him, Mary had reassured him that Jesse had an overactive imagination and Dean shouldn’t believe everything that boy said. She had followed up by saying that if a soul tried to hurt her baby boy she would feed THEM to the pigs.

Dean hadn’t been fully convinced, which is why he had taken the opportunity to sneak out while Mary was putting baby Sammy down for a nap. He simply had to see for himself. The Oak was just down the road from his house on the tallest hill in town and was perfect for climbing with thick, sturdy branches spreading out evenly around the trunk, but once he had climbed as high as he dared ( which was impressively high even if he said it himself) and had started to edge himself away from the trunk of the tree, the branches had swayed dangerously in the light breeze, almost making him lose his balance and fall to the ground.

Dean grimaced at the thought of falling from this height. He had broken his arm last summer after climbing on to the roof of the shed in their back garden. He had wanted to show 3-year-old Sammy the birds nest in the gutter. He was just about to reach down to help Sammy onto the ladder when John had come running out shouting at him as if he was trying to get his brother killed. Dean had been startled by the sudden noise making him lose his own balance, falling and landing on his wrist. It had been kind of cool to show up at school the next day with his cast, everyone wanted to sign it making him feel like a rock star. Charlie even gave him a kiss on the cheek, she was really cool, at least for a girl.

Now sitting on the lower branches Dean could see the foot of the tree again, he spotted a boy with messy black hair sitting on the big roots, nose buried in something that looked like a big book. That’s odd. The boy couldn't have been much older than Dean himself and what 7 years old would be interested in a book with that much text and no pictures?

“HEY! What ya reading?” Dean shouted down, smiling wide when the boy jumped and looked around confused. “Up here!”

The other boy looked up, frowning. Dean had never seen him before, maybe he was new or went to the other primary school in town. Dean smiled and waved down at the boy. “What you reading?”

The other looked down at the book he was holding. “Oh, this? It’s a catechism” the young boy sounded so matter of fact it reminded Dean of his teacher Mrs Butters.

“Dude, what’s a cat kissem?” Dean laughed.  
“Catechism” the boy corrected “it teaches you about the Bible and God”

Dean blinked, he had never met someone willingly reading that stuff. The few times his mother managed to drag their family to church Dean would hide his Game Boy in the pocket of the itchy blue cardigan his mother insisted he wore. He’d then hunch down at a bottom of a pew so he could play during the sermon.

“That’s so weird” But as soon as Dean had said it he regretted it. The boy looked away, his tiny shoulders tense, he had obviously been hurt by what Dean said.

“Do you wanna come up here with me? I can try and show you a murderous pig farm” Dean climbed down further offering his hand down to pull the odd boy up into the tree with him. The dark-haired boy hesitated at first but evidently decided to trust Dean as a warm hand grabbed on to his allowing Dean to pull the other up next to him. The catechism disregarded on the ground.

The two boys sat on the lowest branch facing each other, curiously studying each other. The dark-haired boy was dressed in a white polo shirt and black trousers and looked way too serious for a kid his age. His dark hair a mess, sticking out in every direction imaginable, but his blue eyes had the same mischievous glint in them as Dean’s own.

The newcomer decided to break the silence first. “My name is Castiel, it’s nice to meet you,” he said with a polite smile.  
Dean had only ever heard adults talk as formally as this kid did and what kind of name was Castiel? Dean had never heard of it before “Castiel” Dean tried the name on this tongue, but it felt weird in his mouth. “I think I’ll call you Cas for short. I’m Dean btw”.

Castiel blinked, usually kids made fun of him for his name, but Dean had just brushed it off. He had started to climb the tree again. Dean was a peculiar looking kid. His baseball shirt was dirty at the front no doubt from heaving himself up on tree branches when he smiled Cas could see gaps, where he had lost his baby teeth, but his permanent ones hadn't yet grown in. His eyes and ears were too big for his round, freckle covered face.

“We have to be careful when we climb if you wanna see the farm I almost fell the first time! OH! We could pretend we’re Batman and Robin spying on the Riddler or The Penguin” Dean said excitedly as he pulled himself up onto the next branch, hardly pausing for breath in between words. Cas had no idea who these characters were.

“Who’s Batman?” He asked as he too began to climb. Dean laughed a little  
“You serious? You don’t know who Batman is?” Cas shook his head no. His parents didn’t allow him to read or watch anything that might entice him with the Devil.

“Dude you’re weird” Dean shrugged. “That’s alright I’ll tell you everything you need to know, but that means I get to be Batman, for now, you’re Robin cus you're my student in the fight against crime” Dean’s grin filled his whole face when he looked at Cas. “ Next time we play we can pretend to be Captain Kirk and Spock on the Enterprise”

Cas was perplexed. Next time? Had he finally made an actual friend? Most other children found him too weird to hang out with, even his older brothers, with perhaps the exception of Gabriel, preferred to play without him. Dean seemed like a nice kid and he hadn’t made fun of Cas yet as all the other kids at his private primary school did. Cas climbed higher to catch Dean.

“So are the Riddler and The Penguin the bad guys?”

Dean laughed “The worst of the worst, I’ll tell you all about them, but first, we need to see if we can see the pig farm!”

They managed to climb higher than Dean had on his own but they failed to see the farm regardless. The leaves were way too thick and branches too narrow for one, let alone two boys walk or sit on. Instead, they had climbed down to the lower branches and just sat there. Dean was explaining all about Batman (a gazillionaire, with a dead mum and dad who wore a mask and fought crime with the help of his butler and Robin) to Cas. Then all about Star Trek (apparently it was way better than Star Wars and set in space), all about transformers (cars turning into robots, which was friggin amazing!) and even about something called the muppets and the two best friends on there called Bert and Ernie (a show for babies like Sammy, Dean’s brother). Cas could sit there and listen to Dean forever, the way he spoke about the things he loved, especially Sammy made him light up making Cas feel like he was sitting next to sunshine.

Cas told Dean about his family and how he had four siblings, three older brothers and one younger sister, whom he loved very much and about how he didn’t really get along with his brothers, except for Gabriel who could be a load of fun when he wasn’t pulling his pranks on Cas. Cas even told Dean how they didn’t own a TV. This had blown Dean’s mind, not owning a TV as apparently extremely weird ('What is all your furniture pointed at?").

They had no idea how long they had sat there, in their tree, but the sun had started to sink down below the tree line when they were interrupted by a panicked woman shouting.

“DEAN!” Cas saw a blonde woman in a white summer dress run towards them, tripping up the hill.

“Shit that’s my mom, I need to go” Dean grimaced, knowing he’d be in trouble for staying out so late. Dean jumped down and started walking towards the woman “See you tomorrow?!” Dean turned around to shout at Cas.  
“Yes! You need to tell me more about Batman!” Cas shouted back once he too had jumped down. He could see Dean’s mom hugging him desperately, grabbing his hand and starting to walk him back towards the town.

Cas was happy. He had made his first-ever real friend. He knew he’d be in a world of hurt for staying out this late, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t wait for tomorrow, to see Dean again. Cas started to walk in the opposite direction, towards the nice part of the town where all the private estates were. His catechism, long-forgotten where he had left it on the ground hours earlier. Dean was his friend, that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thank you to @moepowe on TikTok for helping me proofread and edit!


	3. End of Summer Marks the End of Childhood Innocence.

Ever since the day by the oak Dean and Cas had been inseparable, forming the type of instant close friendship only two 7-year-old boys could.

They’d race their bikes on the dirt road leading down to the lake the dust whirling around them. Cas would always win. Dean would pout and blame it on Cas’ new and nicer bike. Cas would laugh and point out that perhaps Dean was just a sore loser. Cas offered to swap bikes to prove his point, and when Dean still lost he pouted even harder in turn making Cas laugh until his ribs hurt.

On especially warm days they’d go swimming in the clear water, diving down for blue mussels, prying them open with sticks, hoping to find pearls. Dean was much better at holding his breath, making him the superior diver. They'd also climb the rocks by the shore trying to push each other into the water playing 'King of the Hill'. It was during this game that Dean had shoved Cas, making him lose his balance and instead of landing in the water Cas had hit his forehead on the rocks leaving him with a permanent scar on his eyebrow. Dean had apologised profusely, but Cas had insisted that it only made him look more badass.

On rainy days they’d sit in Dean’s room where Dean would show Cas his Batman comics, Cas even got to be Batman once. When Sammy wanted to join them, he got to be the Robin to Cas’ Batman and Dean offered to be The Joker. They would run around the house trying to Nerf each other. When they got too loud, Mr Winchester yelled at them to either be quiet or take it outside. As it was still raining they opted to play Super Mario Bros on Dean’s Nintendo John had gotten him for Christmas.

They would still go out to the Oak a lot, once Dean had managed to sneak his dad’s knife with him. John would kill him if he knew Dean had taken his knife. They used it to carve their names into the trunk of the tree, while Cas told Dean all about Angels and how REAL Angels were terrifying warriors of God, how they didn’t look like people but actually had six eyes, eight wings and their bodies were spinning iron rods. They could smite a Knight of Hell with a single blow. Dean had been thoroughly impressed (“That’s so friggin cool! I always thought Angels were these guys in dresses playing the harp!”) 

Cas never brought Dean over to his house as his parents didn’t approve of “People like them” Cas had no idea what that meant, Dean and his family were some of the best people he had ever met. Cas’ absolute favourite days, however, were those when Mary would bake them her berry pie, serving them a hot pie with glasses of milk. They'd sit in the Winchester's homey kitchen making faces at each other while enjoying their sugary dessert.

The summer passed in a haze like someone was fast-forwarding a VHS tape. Images blurring together green leaves, dirt roads, comic books, glittering water and berry pie, blending together in warm memories that would fade with time leaving only their warm fuzzy feeling in their wake.

Even after they went back to school in September the boys would see each other every Saturday as Castiel had to spend Sundays attending mass. Then it happened in the very last week of September. Every single detail of that afternoon was permanently branded into Dean, a scar that would never heal.

It was a Thursday. Dean swung the front door open, throwing his The California raisins- backpack on the floor in the hallway before peaking into the kitchen looking for his mom. He knew he was late, he had lost track of time playing soccer after school. Peaking into the kitchen expecting to see his mothers scolding face, ready to reprimand him, instead, the kitchen was empty with the ingredients for dinner on the counter. The oven clock read 4.05. Odd, his mum and brother were nowhere to be seen and the house was eerily quiet. There was a loud thud from upstairs as Sammy started crying. Something felt off as Dean approached the stairs, Sanny's cries growing louder.

“Mom?” He called up feeling small and scared as he walked up the steps passing their family photos hung on the blue wall.

“DEAN, NO!” his mother's voice panicked in a desperate warning for him to turn around, but his legs had a will of their own and kept climbing the stairs.

Once Dean reached the top landing he understood why. He could see right into Sammy’s room where his mom was pinned to the wall by a tall, skinny man. Sammy sat in his bed face red from screaming, snot and tears running down his face, desperately clutching his Flint Stone-blanky. Dean stood there staring at his mum and the stranger feeling tears burn the corners of his eyes. 

“Take your brother and run!” Mary’s voice firm through the obvious fear, whether it was for herself or for her boys was unclear. “Dean NOW!” She commanded, urging Dean to action. He ran in, scooped a crying Sammy into his lap and bolted for the door again. The intruder made a move for Dean, but Mary tackled him to the floor before he had the chance to wrap his outstretched fingers around Dean.

“Take your brother outside as fast as you can! Go to the neighbours and call the police” Mary urged Dean where he stood frozen staring at his mom struggling with the stranger. He had started crying as well but did as he was told. Halfway down the stairs, he heard an ear-splitting bang from the upstairs room. Dean wasn’t sure if it was he who screamed or not, but it made him clutch his wailing brother closer to his chest and run faster, to get out of the house as fast as possible.

The loud noise, that Dean vaguely recognised from TV-cop shows his dad liked to watch as a gunshot, had brought the neighbours out of their houses to see what was going on. Dean registered Ms Acker the old lady from across the street hugging him and trying to peel Sammy out of his arms.

“No, NO don’t touch Sammy. NO” Dean was full-on crying now holding his brother tighter to his chest, the idea of letting his brother go made panic swell in him. A hysterical Sammy clinging to his neck did little to ease Dean's panic. 

“Okay sweetie, follow me no one’s taking your brother away. Carry him to my house you both look like you could use some hot cocoa” Ms Acker said softly, leading Dean towards her house.  
Somewhere deep in his mind, Dean knew. Knew that bad people, like the men in Sammy’s room, used guns to hurt others. Hurt them really badly, like Batman’s parents outside of the theatre. He knew his mom was dead. Knew it in his gut. He had lost something he could never get back, but if he closed his eyes real tight and wished real hard, he would go back home tonight and his mum would read him a bedtime story like she always did. She'd kiss him on the forehead and tell him that angels were watching over him before turning off the ceiling light and wishing him goodnight. That would never happen again.

The rest of the afternoon and evening was a blur. A lot of people had gathered in the street in front of their house. The police had closed off their house with yellow tape. The ambulance people had come and carried out a black bag. When it got dark outside the blue and red lights from the cop cars flashed on the walls of Ms Ackers small kitchen, mocking Dean. His Coco stood abandoned on the kitchen table, the tiny marshmallows had turned into mush ages ago.

Sammy had fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room, the stress of the day knocking him out cold. Dean envied Sammy, he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to sleep again. John had been in earlier to check on his sons, terrified they were hurt. Once he had realised they were both unharmed he had asked if Ms Acker could look after them for a little longer. John was a police officer itching to join the manhunt for the monster that had killed his wife.

The next few weeks felt like a dream. John had come back late at night to take them to Uncle Bobby’s after an unsuccessful mission to track down the man. He had simply disappeared like black smoke out of the chimney.

Two days later they had to return to their house to pack their bags, they were to stay at Bobby’s for a while. John left Sammy to wait in the car and had Dean come to pack his own bags. Dean had stood frozen in front of Sammy’s room, staring at the large dark stain on the white carpet. It looked like someone had split a can of paint but didn't bother to clean it up. That’s where his mother had died. He had no idea how long he had stood there, staring at the stain, its shape forever burned into his mind, before his dad found him.

“Fuck Dean, go be with your brother. I was told they had sent the cleaning crew already” Dean just nodded at his dad’s words, turning around to walk back down to the car in a daze. Dean stopped mid-way down the steps to take a picture off the wall. It was of him when he was 3, his mom hugging him from behind, kissing his cheek.

Two weeks later they held Mary Winchester's funeral. Dean was standing in a cemetery, watching his mothers coffin being lowered into the ground. Sammy was clutching Dean’s hand soft tears rolling down his still baby round cheeks. Dean hadn't cried since the day it happened and he didn’t cry now, not in front of these people. He had seen his dad completely break down, screaming at the coffin with treas streaming down his unshaven face. No, Dean would not cry in front of these people, he needed to be strong for Sammy and for his dad.

The memorial service was held at their house. Adults, he didn’t recognise, dressed in black would come up to him give him a hug and offer their condolences. All these people crammed into their tiny house made it feel claustrophobic, Dean felt like the air was getting heavier and harder to breathe in.

Dean overheard John tell Bobby that he was planning on taking Sam and Dean and leave town. Dean wanted to scream that they couldn’t leave, what if mom decided to come back? How would she find them if they were no longer living in their house? Dean could feel his tears burn the back of his eyelids. He would have run to his room but he refused to go upstairs in case the stain was still there. So Dean ran out of the house, ran towards the large Oak and kept running until he reached the top of the hill. His breath burning in his lungs. 

Cas was sitting under the Oak reading one of the Batman comics Dean had given him. He had to hide it under his mattress so his parents couldn’t find it. He was starting to get worried, he hadn’t seen Dean in weeks. Cas had almost biked over to his house to knock on the door but didn’t want to be rude and show up uninvited.

That’s why he was so surprised when he looked up and saw Dean panting a few feet away from him. Dean was dressed in a white dress shirt, black dress trousers and a skinny black tie. Cas’ smile died when he realised that Dean was crying. Cas shot to his feet.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Cas reached out to grab Dean’s hand. Dean squeezed it in response. He took a few moments to calm his breathing until he managed to reply.

“W-eh, we” Dean swallowed thickly before continuing “We’re moving”  
“W-what?” Cas blinked, confused. His best friend was leaving, that couldn’t be right. “No, that can’t be right. I can get my mom to come to talk to yours, she will convince her to stay here” Cas continued. Not wanting to believe he was going to lose his only friend.

Dean was quiet for a long time staring into the distance, before letting go of Cas’ hand. Dean tightened his fist at his sides, his whole body going stiff. “My mom is dead,” Dean said in such a quiet whisper Cas wasn’t sure he had heard him right.

“What?”  
“MY MOM IS DEAD! CAS SHE’S DEAD!” Cas flinched when Dean started yelling, his voice breaking when he started to cry again. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean hugging him close. He felt Dean’s arms come up to hug him back, face buried in his neck.

“It’s not fair, why her?” Dean sobbed, all the pent up emotion and pain bubbling to the surface. The only one who could make him feel whole again was his mom, but she was dead, never coming back no matter how much he wished it or how loud the screamed. The thought making Dean cry even harder. “It’s not fair” Dean wailed.

Cas had no idea of what to do so he said the same thing his father had told him when his Grandmother had died.

“It’s all a part of God’s plan, she’s in a better place, she’s happy now”

Dean went rigid against Cas, his arms falling to his sides and Cas could feel Dean start to shake. He wasn’t prepared when Dean shoved him away, hard. Cas stumbled a little before falling on his back, hitting the ground with a thud.

“SCREW YOU CAS!" Dean was still crying but his voice was steady "I HATE YOUR STUPID GOD!" Dean stopped to swallow his tears "HE TOOK MY MOM! I HATE GOD AND-" Dean paused to catch himself "-I HATE YOU!” Dean’s arms shook while he stood there yelling at Cas.

Cas had no idea what to do or why Dean was so mad, he had always been taught that if good people die they go to Heaven where they’re happier than they were on earth. Cas looked up at Dean, the carefree mischievous glint in his eyes was gone, replaced by something much harder. Dean wiped away his tears in annoyance, before turning around in a huff and walking down the hill leaving Cas on the ground.

Exactly one week later John Winchester had his Impala packed with minimal belongings, his sons in the backseat. None of them said anything as they pulled out of their driveway and drove out of town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thank you to @moepowe on TikTok for helping me proofread and edit!  
> Please leave kudos if you enjoyed it and comment with anything you'd like. Any feedback helps me a lot :)


	4. 1996: Campfires and New Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They smoke the devil's lettuce in this chapter. This is a judgment-free zone, wheater you're against it or for it hope you enjoy my dribbles.  
> I struggled with this chapter for some reason, and I think it shows a reading it back. I promise future chapters, in my opinion, get better .  
> Do people prefer longer or shorter chapters? The first few have been quite short, but I might start writing longer ones :)  
> I finally figured out how to format text on Ao3! yay me *dancing lady emoji*

Life kept on rolling, as life tends to do. No matter what earthshattering event rocked one's personal life, the universe had the audacity to keep spinning, planets spun around their stars, the stars spun around the centre of galaxies that in turn travels around space. There is a theory within astrophysics. Every point in the universe is at its centre, so in a way, everyone is at the centre of their own universe and a tragedy could easily rip it apart creating an all consuming black hole. John Winchester and sons leaving, an insignificant blip as far as the universe was concerned, but it did move an entire town, creating a temporary black hole. The murder of Mary Winchester had been the talk of the town for months. Mothers wouldn't let their children outside alone, husbands bought guns to protect their families and everyone would make sure their doors were locked at night. A perfectly natural response from a small community, previously operating under the assumption that nothing bad could ever find them in the little corner of the world they inhabited. The News Papers had kept the townspeople informed of every small development in the case, there had even been a mention in the paper when John and the boys had left:

 _“Officer Winchester leaves town with sons after the brutal murder of his wife. Perpetrator still at large”_

When no new case updates came, the town moved on as if nothing had happened comforted by the illusion once again that nothing bad could ever happen to them. Everyone assumed their daily routines. Cas no longer went to the Oak. Life simply rolled on. Ten years passed bringing new people into town with them came new routines, over time these new people became old people with mundane routines. Nothing ever changed, but at the same time, everything did. 

“-and head to the old pig farm” Jo, who was smothering her fries in Ketchup finished, just as Castiel put down his tray of questionable cafeteria quesadillas opposite her. It was only the end of the first week of their senior year at Oak High. Having missed the start of the conversation, Cas started poking at his lunch with a plastic knife waiting for his friends to finish up. 

“I’m in” Charlie managed to say around her mouth full of hamburger. 

“Sweet! And you, Cas?” Jo waved a soggy french fry in his face trying to get his attention. 

“Huh?” Cas looked up at his blonde friend confused. (How Jo got away with wearing crop tops without being dressed coded was a mystery.) 

“Meeting at mine after school and heading to the old pig farm, are you in?” She repeated, reaching over and stealing another ketchup packet from Charlie, who quickly swatted her hand away

“Hm- Yeah, sure sounds good” Even after almost four years he still found it surprising that Jo wanted to include him whenever they did anything after school. 

Teens would go out to the old farm when they wanted to drink, smoke or hook up as not even the cops bothered to head out there on a regular basis. It had laid abandoned ever since Mr Harkness had passed away eight years ago, weeds and small woodland animals quickly taking it over. 

“Have you asked Ash? He might be willing to drive, I’m not tracking back home in the dark again.” Charlie complained. The last time she had to find her way back in the dark, she took a wrong turn and ended up face planting into an overgrown pond. “Where is he btw?” 

Jo snorted “In detention, he got caught in the computer lab again. I’ll ask him when I see him in history.”

Charlie laughed at that. Ash had a tendency of ending up in detention every-other-day ever since middle school. According to him, it was his way of sticking it to the man and raising a little anarchy. 

  
  
  


***************

Dean sat back in the car slamming the door shut, handing Sammy a thick manila envelope, ruffling the younger Winchester's hair. Sam hit his arm away in annoyance. 

“All set Sammy, you’re now fully registered at Oak Ridge High: a place to reach your full potential.” Dean mock quoted the banner that had been hanging in the foyer. Sam, who had started looking through the papers in the folder as soon as Dean had handed them to him, glanced up. 

“Dean-” 

“Don’t start Sammy, you know High School was never for me” Dean interrupted. They had had the same argument ever since Dean had told Sammy that he was officially dropping out. Sam, however, was not about to drop the topic and was gearing up to continue the old argument with his brother when Dean started the car, turning the music all the way up as he did so. The noise retelling the windows. 

“Can’t hear you, the music is too loud” Dean shouted over the music gesturing to his ears. 

“Real mature Dean” Sam muttered, turning Mötörhead (Too Late, Too Late) down to a normal level as they pulled out of the empty school parking lot. He knew his brother better than to try and push the issue at the very moment. 

School had just gotten out when they arrived to pick his documents, Sam had opted to wait in the car he was always the new kid so he knew all the students would’ve been giving him funny looks and whispering behind him. He should’ve been used to it by now, having attended 9 middle schools but it still sucked and he had wanted to postpone all the staring until Monday. 

He was brooding looking out the passenger side window, watching the mix of post-colonial and craftsman houses, neatly collected into all American neighbourhoods, zip past. It wasn’t until Dean squeezed his shoulder that he looked up. 

“Hey, this is good! You’ll never be the new kid again, no longer a freak. You can be a normal kid!” Dean smiled. 

“I guess,” Sam mumbled, not convinced on the freak part. His childhood wasn't exactly The-All-American apple-pie life, he was convinced most of the other kids at the school had had. 

“I promised dad I’d take care of you after he agreed to let you finish High School in one place, and I will” It had been Sam’s idea to convince John to let him attend one school. The kid was a genius and Dean would be damned to Hell if he let Sam turn out like him. A 17yo drop out with a rap sheet. No, Sammy wouldn’t turn out like him, not on his watch. 

The argument with his father had been one of the worst ones they had ever had, Dean had to physically get in between them. Somehow, Sam had convinced their dad that it was the best for him, and so John had agreed to let them go back home, with the condition that Dean would look after his brother. A ridiculous condition, Dean had always felt responsible for the kid ever since that horrid afternoon almost a decade ago. 

A month later Dean and Sam were driving back towards the town they had left behind ten years earlier. They’d be staying at Bobby’s until John could get them their own place. 

Dean pulled his Impala into the driveway of Bobby’s house. It had been the shock of the century when John handed Dean the keys to his beloved chevy and told him it was now his car. 

“You ready?” Dean asked when he saw Sammy look out at the house sceptically. Neither of them had seen Bobby since they left. Sammy said he didn’t remember the man at all, and all Dean could recall was a man in a dirty baseball cap. 

“Yeah, let’s go” Sammy opened the door stepping out. Maybe things would actually be alright for once. 

  
  
  


************

  
  


After the last bell rang the four of them, now accompanied by Ash, made their way towards Jo’s. It had been a no go on Ash driving, his mom had decided to parent him for once and taken his car keys as a punishment for hacking the school's computer system in order to sell test answers to other Seniors, an impressive feat to accomplish within the very first week. 

It was almost two hours later that they finally made it to Jo’s. They had stopped by the Gas-n-Sip to get snacks for later and when they walked through the centre of the town Charlie had spotted the new Marvel X-men comic in the window of The Comic Center and insisted they went in. “Come on! Rogue is hot!” To which Ash had rolled his eyes and Jo had just crooked an eyebrow, but they both had followed the redhead into the shop anyway. 

“Who’s car is _that?_ ” Ash asked referring to the shiny black muscle car parked in the driveway. It was much nicer and better maintained than the majority of the cars brought to _Singer’s Salvage and Body Shop_. Cas knew nothing of cars but thought it to be impressive and couldn’t resist running his fingers over the shiny hood. 

“Must belong to Bobby’s friend, his son’s are staying with us for a while” Jo shrugged, taking two porch steps at a time up to her house. 

The house, if only judged from the outside, could use some love, the white paint was peeling off in places and the once green window sills had seen better days, some only hanging on by one or two hinges. But once inside you’d find a home, with mismatched furniture and floor to ceiling bookshelves lining the walls, filled with books on every topic imaginable. Both Bobby and Ellen were avid readers and book collectors, which may have been odd for a bar matron and a mechanic. 

Cas was the last through the door. He recognised most of the voices coming from down the hall, except for one. It was a low laugh, distantly familiar, making a warmth spread inside him. 

Once he rounded the hallway into the sunflower yellow kitchen he instantly spotted who the laughter belonged to. Leaning against the counter was a boy, about his age, wearing an oversized leather jacket laughing at something the lanky teen, with shaggy brown hair, next to him had said. 

The older boy was, for a lack of a better word, beautiful. A defined jawline, straight nose and a smile took over his whole face creating wrinkles by his eyes that would turn into crows feet once he got old. 

There was a small spark in the back of his mind that acknowledged that he found this stranger attractive, but over the years he had become a master in snuffing that spark out every time he felt drawn to other men. He was so good at it, that he had convinced himself his same-sex attraction did _not_ exist. _Those_ kinds of thoughts were not who he was. 

  
  


“Cas?” The stranger looked directly at him with a surprised expression. _Huh?_ Cas looked at the stranger properly for the first time. There was something familiar about those mischievous eyes and that freckled face. Then memories of summer, Oaks, lakes, and bike races flashed across his mind, glowing with childhood nostalgia. Could it be? 

“Dean?” 

Dean’s face split into a huge grin. “Good to see you again, man!” Dean said patting Cas’ shoulder, a nod and a slight smile were all Cas could muster in response. 

“Do you two know each other or sum?” Ash asked looking between the two. 

“We were friends as kids before-” Cas cut himself off “we used to be friends as kids.” he corrected instead. 

Jo, who had followed her mom out of the kitchen, reappeared in the room. The hope of burrowing Bobby’s truck had been squashed. To their surprise, Dean offered to be the designated driver as Sam intended to spend the night catching up on work for when he started school on Monday. Dean had nothing else to do with his afternoon, but the offer was probably just an excuse to escape the studying gaze of Ellen, Jo’s mom. 

That’s how they all had ended up in the black car parked out front. Jo, Cas and Ash in the Back with Charlie in the front alongside Dean, she had been mature and called “shotgun” from the porch. 

Once at the farm, they headed to the logs behind the main house, someone had dragged them there as a makeshift campsite. The weeds were almost elbow-high, but the path to the campsite was well trampled zigzagging around rocks and long since disregarded wheelbarrows and other rusting scrap metal. Every single wall of all the buildings was covered in graffiti, from actual elegant works of art of sunflower fields to random “wuz here” tags and penises in the elegant form of self-expression only known to graffiti artists. Part of the charm of the farm was how it felt like time had forgotten the place existed, packed its bags in the '80s never to return again. 

They quickly assembled and lit a bonfire as it slowly got darker around them. The light from the fire cocooning them in a snow globe of light.

As the night progressed, the five teens roasted their smores, passed around the few joints Ash had brought and finished the variety of snacks of pixie stixs, gushers and Bugles. Dean had fallen right into their little posse, he and Charlie had gotten into a debate over Star Wars vs Star Trek which had gone around in circles until Jo called them both nerds and quickly changed the topic before they had the chance to start again. Ash managed to go on a rant about one of his conspiracy theories, something about the CIA conducting chemical interrogation tactics, dousing people with a truth serum and mind control. The response had been a collective groan from everyone, except Dean who had looked amused and stated how all the anti-government patches on Ash's jean jacket now made sense.

Cas didn’t say much in general but was more quiet than usual. If his friends noticed they didn’t mention it. Eventually, they all quieted down, a result of the weeds calming effect and the relaxing crackle from the fire. Crickets chirped in the tall grass surrounding them and somewhere in the woods behind the farm an owl had begun to hoo, and Cas thought he could've sat there forever. It beat going home to an empty dark house, his mother and Zachariah were out of town and he didn’t even remember when he saw any of his siblings last. 

“We better start heading back before Ellen sends out a search party again.” Charlie finally said standing up stretching her legs. The fire had almost completely died and without the warmth, from the fire, the nightly dew was gripping at their clothes making the chilly night air feel a lot colder than it was.

“Or worse, she’ll come out looking for us herself.” Ash piped in picking up some of the snack wrappers shoving them into the plastic Gas-n-Sip-carrier bag. 

“You guy’s laugh, but I was grounded for a month!” Jo stood up from where she’d been sitting next to Dean, shuddering at the memory of the last time they had stayed out until daybreak only for a furious Ellen Singer to come and drag them home. “Beware, Dean, my mom will not hesitate to lock you up if you defy her.” 

“Yes, ma'am.” Dean laughed in response, that laugh that Cas refused to admit made him feel warm inside. 

They stomped out the remaining embers. None of them thought of bringing flashlights with them, leaving them to stumble back to the car in the darkness. Dean dropped them home one after one, Cas was the last one left, besides Jo. 

“You still live in those posh estates?” Dean met Cas’ eyes through the rearview mirror. 

“Uh, no. It’s- if you take a left after the hardware store, it’s the last house on the right.” Cas directed. 

Dean followed Cas’ directions until he pulled up in front of a green postcolonial with a manicured lawn. The house was a dark silhouette against the night sky. 

“Looks like you gonna have to sneak in through a window” Dean joked looking at the dark house. 

“If anyone was home, maybe.” Cas huffed. Had his mom and step-father been home he wouldn’t have been able to join them at all this afternoon as his friends weren't, 'the kind of people the Novaks associated with' as his mother liked to remind him. Cas took a small amount of joy form the fact that it annoyed his step-father to no end that his mother still referred to them as Novak instead of Adler after him. 

“Right.” was all Dean said, but Jo shot him an apologetic look. 

Cas waited to cross the damp lawn until he could no longer hear the low rumble of the Impala. The arrival of Dean Winchester had brought with it the winds of change, it was either a new beginning or a forest fire burning what he knew to the ground. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thank you to @moepowe on TikTok for helping me proofread and edit!  
> Please leave kudos if you enjoyed it and comment with anything you'd like. Any feedback helps me a lot :)


	5. Finding your footing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's taken me so long to update! I had some major writer's block. I do have a semi-plan of what needs to happen it's filling in the gaps that sometimes has me blocked.  
> This chapter is mainly my attempt to give Dean some characterisation. Please let me know if you think I'm going terribly south in my characterisation, I'm trying to keep it as canon as possible, you know just without the constant murder.  
> I'm re-watching the show AGAIN. Getting super back into SPN in 2020 was not my intention, but hey ho here we are and I've just inquired about getting a SPN tattoo.
> 
> Yes, I did Google how to change a water pump in a muscle car. I know nothing about cars or how to fix them so if i'm wrong plase take it up with Googel.
> 
> This chapter is not beta-read, all mistakes are on my dyslexic ass self.

  
Arriving in a new town, surrounded by new people with new expectations and starting anew was something Dean Winchester was accustomed to. It was all he had known for the majority of his life. Moving to a new town, city or state, never really belonging anywhere was how he had grown up. Never making any genuine connections or relationships, never getting to know people well enough for him to care whether or not he disappointed them or not. It made everything so much easier when John unavoidably packed up their life again and moved them to the next town. Saying the whispers and looks they would never bother him would’ve been a lie, he had become an expert in converting in up, throw on a come-hither-smile and a charming persona got you far if you didn’t stick around long enough for people to see through your facade.   
  
This time was different however, Dean felt the pressure of unvoiced expectations prickling his skin like electricity, making him restless. This time he had to really try, try to not crash and burn everything to the ground to build something akin to real and genuine if not for himself then for Sam. He was going to build Sammy a stable life, no matter how his every instinct told him to get in the car, and put this town in his rearview mirror like his father had done ten years ago and drive to the next town.   
They had lived with the singers for only a few days, but already Dean couldn’t wait for his father to call and let him know that he had found a place for only him and Sam. Having Ellen studying him, like she could figure out who he was, discovering how much of a fraud he was, how messed up, just by looking at him hard and long enough. Even worse were those few times he caught her looking at him or Sam with something akin to pity in her eyes, disdain Dean could take, but not pity never pity.   
  
It was thanks to Ellen’s searching gaze that Dean found himself outside in the salvage yard, where he had sought refuge from inside the house. The afternoon sun was burning the back of his neck where he was hunched over the open hood of the Impala. There had been a rattling sound when he dropped Sam off the school earlier, he might as well get a look at the problem as his job hunt was going as well as one might expect for a 17-year-old high school drop out in a small town, where teenagers got jobs based on how well the business owners knew them.   
  
Dean spotted the source of the rattling sound and cursed under his breath. The water pump was ready to fail, getting a replacement part would be expensive and time-consuming. Dean eyed the abandoned rusty cars piled around him wondering if Bobby would mind if he salvaged them for parts. With a sigh he started detaching the old water pump to inspect it closer, hopefully, he could patch it until he found a replacement.   
  
Dean went to work on removing the pump system in order to inspect it more closely. He started by removing the belt drive components, loosening the bolts, removing the pump and ensuring the old gasket was clean before inspecting the pump itself. It definitely needed replacing.   
  
“You are quite good at that, son” a burly voice sounded behind him. Dean shot up, hitting his head on the propped-up hood. He turned around, rudding the back of his head not having heard the older man walk up behind him.   
  
“Yeah, my dad taught me a few things, I had to know how to take care of my Baby” He tried to cover up, how startled he was by the light-hearted tone in his voice failing miserably.   
  
“What’s wrong with her?” Bobby asked, coming up next to Dean. Ignoring how flustered the teen was, for which he was grateful.   
  
“The water pump is failing” Dean sighed handing the part he was holding to Bobby.   
  
“How are you gon’ fix it?” Bobby’s question wasn’t condescending, but more of that of a teacher asking his class to answer a topic they had covered previously.   
  
“Huh? Attempting to reinforce it and hopefully, it’ll last until I can find a replacement” he scratched the back of his sunburnt neck feeling uncomfortable under the mechanics questioning gaze.   
  
“I have a junkyard full of spare parts, help yourself” he threw the part back, Dean catching it with both hands. He had hoped Bobby would say yes if he asked, but never expected him to offer for Dean to sort through the old cars for parts so freely.   
  
“You know, I could use you at the shop. If you want an apprenticeship” Bobby said fixing Dean with his eyes.   
  
“You want me to work for you?” Dean was stunned. Working with cars was something he was good at, but never considered pursuing it, never believing he was good enough to actually make money from it.   
  
“If you want to. The pay is shit, but it’s something” Bobby said now leisurely leaning against the car sipping a beer he must have had with him this whole time.   
  
“Yes. thank you, sir” Dean said quickly before the other had a chance to change his mind.   
  
“Good, you start tomorrow and drop the ‘sir’ I ain’t a sir until the Queen herself knights me” With that, he stood up and headed back towards the house. “Make sure you wash before dinner, Ellen will whoop you if you get motor oil on the furniture” He shouted over his shoulder before disappearing out of sight. 

  
***********  
  
Dean worked on the Impala well into the afternoon, his neck now well and truly sunburnt, the clanks of his tools against the metal guts of the car and the low tunes of the classic rock station being the only sounds in the otherwise quiet salvage yard. Dean would hum along to most of the songs absentmindedly as he worked, this was the closest he had felt something akin to happiness in a long while. The hours ticked by fast and he was late to pick Sammy up from school. Having yet to reassemble all the components for the new water pump, he borrowed Bobby’s truck, a monstrosity from ‘85 that complained violently every time you tried to accelerate past 25mph.   
  
Having spent the afternoon caring for his car, Dean was left in an excellent mood and was excited to tell Sammy about his new job, knowing his brother would approve. Too many times before had he been met with Sam’s sad and judgemental look when he had come home late at night after having hustled by passing truck drivers at a pool in whatever town and bar they themselves happened to be living in at the time. At least that’s where Dean told Sam the money came from.   
  
He was drumming his motor oil-covered fingers against the steering wheel impatiently watching his brother cross the school parking lot. The greeting died on Dean’s lips as soon as he caught a glimpse of Sam when he heaved himself into the cabin of the truck face, a hefty shiner decorating his left cheek and eye. 

  
“What the hell Sammy! What happened to your face!?” Was the first thing out of his mouth as soon as he got a better look at Sam’s black eye.   
“I’m fine. One of the guy’s was bullying Barry” Sam shrugged avoiding Dean’s eyes. Barry, from what Sammy had told him, was a little nerdy and aspired to be a vet and also the only kid in his class not to treat him like an exotic zoo animal on his first day. 

  
“Did you at least get a few good punches in?” A real parent might have reprimanded him for getting into a fight during his first week, but Dean felt a slight twinge of pride. Leave it to Sammy to defend the kid.

  
“Yeah” Sam let out a small laugh. “Dean, where’s the Impala?'' he asked with a frown, effectively changing the subject. The older brother smirked telling his brother about how Bobby had offered to teach him to become a mechanic and he’d even be getting paid to do it. 

  
“Now we'll be able to move out of the Singer’s study,” Dean said with an overconfident grin. Judging by Sam’s pout he was not on the same page as the elder Winchesters sentiment, Ellen had taken on a motherly role when it came to Sammy, which he had been all too quick to accept. They drove home under a comfortable silence, only the sound of the dying engine and road under their wheels, the knob on the radio had been stuck on a Christian Gospel channel so Dean had turned the whole thing off in frustration. 

***********

As soon as they had walked in through the doors and Ellen saw Sam she had ushered him into the kitchen so she could ice his bruised cheek. Dean, after standing awkwardly in the doorway to the kitchen watching as the blonde woman tended to his brother, slipped into the bathroom to wash up. Bobby’s warning, still fresh on his mind. If he had seen correctly there was a pie cooling on the counter for dessert, and no way was he risking being denied pie just because he had some motor oil under his fingernails. 

  
And so the afternoon bled into the evening, Jo strode through the door, the dinner table was set (By Sam and Jo.) They all sat down to eat together. A pot with humble homemade beef stew and potatoes sat at the centre of the table served family-style. (Dean had no idea potatoes and beef could taste that good.) They exchanged stories about their day. (Jo complaining about AP History and shrugs at making the track team, Sam skipping over his fight but gushes over his English teacher, Ellen mentions how she’ll have to stop by the Roadhouse later in the evening, Bobby doesn't mention anything about hiring Dean, leaving Dean to tell them himself.) The whole dinner is so domestic, the perfect picture of the 1950s nuclear family. The electricity is back, prickling and buzzing just under Dean’s skin so much so he has to fight the urge to get up and leave the table. 

  
He’s glad he didn’t as soon as Ellen brings out an Apple pie for dessert. Ellen must have seen the excitement on his face as she cuts him a bigger slice than anyone else. If he moans around the first forkful he won’t ever admit it. It’s then that Bobby informs them he received a phone call from John, he had organised for Sam and Dean to move into their own trailer in the trailer park on the edge of the town in two weeks. Dean felt a surge of relief, no matter how grateful he was for the Singer’s hospitality and Bobby offering him a job he could not wait until it was just him and Sammy again, the way it had always been. A quick look at his brother, however, he could tell Sam wasn’t as enthused by the idea. His expression had grown dark, he quickly thanked Ellen for dinner and hurried out of the warm kitchen. There was a short silence, broken by Dean grabbing his plate of pie and hurries after Sam muttering an apology to Ellen. 

  
Sammy is laying on the sofa bed in the study with his back to the door ignoring Dean as he enters. Dean knows there’s no talking to Sam when he’s in one of his moods. Regardless, he sits down on the edge of the sofa bed next to Sam and finishes his pie hoping Sam will cave and say what’s on his mind. He finally gets up with a sigh when it looks like Sam is going to hold his position and isn’t going to say anything. 

  
“Look Dad is doing his best, this is what’s best we can’t stay here forever,” Dean says before leaving the room, the only indication that Sam heard him was the tensing of his slim shoulders. 

Dean stopped dead in his tracks outside the kitchen, Ellen and Bobby were having an argument, leaving Dean standing in the dark hallway holding a dirty plate. 

  
“Bobby, I don’t like it, They are just boys!” Ellen’s voice was almost pleading 

  
“Don’t you think I know that? But they aren’t- John Winchester isn’t the type of man to accept charity” Bobby’s voice tired making him sound a lot older than his 42 years. Dean’s grip on the plate tightened. 

  
“What charity? It’s not charity having the boys stay here; they need someone to look after them. They are children!” Her voice was sharp with frustration. There were some shuffling sounds followed by a short silence, that was broken by Bobby, his voice a lot lower this time. 

“I’d have them stay here were it up to me” Bobby sighed 

  
Dean must have made a noise as the next thing he knew was Ellen calling him into the kitchen. 

  
“Dean, perfect you can help me with the dishes” Ellen slipped out of Bobby’s arms, the shuffling must have been him moving across the kitchen to wrap his wife in an embrace. Ellen turned towards the skin, already filled with soapy water, not waiting to see if he would listen to her or not. Bobby clapped Dean on the shoulder on his way out. Dean grabbed the dish towel and started drying the dishes Ellen handed him.

  
_Please don’t bring up dad_. Dean begged silently he wasn’t in the mood to listen to someone judge his family and the way they were being raised.

  
Ellen didn’t.

  
After a while when Dean is positive his dad won’t be brought up he relaxes, they work in silence that’s not exactly comfortable but almost reassured. They finish the dishes in silence, Dean is drying the last plate when Ellen finally breaks the silence. 

  
“Dinner every Sunday, you make sure you’re here, both of you. You got that?” Her gaze fixed on Dean, taking him back. 

  
“Y-yes, ma'am” he managed after he collected himself. 

  
“Good” Ellen smiled at him. “Tell Bobby that I went to the Roadhouse if he asks” With that, she heads out. 

  
**************

The springs of the old mattress were digging into Dean’s ribs making it impossible to get comfortable. He had laid awake for god knows how long, alternating staring at the ceiling and at the walls lined with old books. The whole study was so full of books all of them did not fit on the shelves but were stacked on all and every available surface. He glanced up at Sam who still laid on the sofa bed with his back towards the room. He had only huffed in response when Dean had asked him if he was okay. 

With a frustrated groan, he turned to lay on his back. 

“Will dad be moving in with us?” Sam’s voice sounded loud in the quiet house. 

“I don’t know,” Dean replied honestly, but he doubted it. For the past decade, John Winchester had tracked the man who had killed his wife all over The US dragging his sons with him. The last place he’d want to return to was the town that constantly reminded him of Mary. 

“I just- Dean I don’t want him to show up and up demand, we follow him to god knows where!” Sam’s voice rose the more he talked 

“He promised we’d get to stay in one place until you finish High School” Dean tried to keep his voice low so as not to wake the rest of the household. 

“Yeah because we all know how trustworthy dad’s word is” Sam huffed clearly annoyed. 

“He’s doing his best okay” His defence of John was old and tired and he knew Sam had stopped believing him a while back. Evident in the snort he got as a reply. They fell quiet after that. 

“Dean?” Sam said carefully 

“Hmmh” was the only response his half-asleep brain could muster up. 

“Promise me you’ll try and make yourself happy” 

“Huh? Yeah sure Sammy” He agreed not convinced it was possible. Could he? Could he settle down, make meaningful relationships? Would the urge to bolt and move on to the next town or city leave him alone if he managed to find his footing in this town? He had done nothing but slip before, but if Sam wanted him to try he would. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos if you enjoyed it and comment with anything you'd like. Any feedback helps me a lot :)


	6. Old Gossip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally did the ______coded ______ girl test. To no one's surprise ever, I'm a Cas coded Dean Girl. I would die for Dean and he is my comfort character, I've been latching on to for the past decade. 
> 
> Again this isn't betad, so the mistakes are all my own. Spell check and The free version of Grammarly helps a lot but dyslexia is a mighty opponent.

Castiel was resting his head against the cool metal of his locker, hoping the coldness on his temples would help subside his oncoming migraine. The lights in the hallway were too bright, the chatter of the surrounding students too loud and the mid-September weather too hot making the air too thick, feeling heavy in his lungs. The locker next to him slammed shut, the metallic screech making Cas flinch, the sound driving a knife through his frontal lobe. 

“Happy Birthday Cas” Looking up he saw Jo holding out a blue gift bag to him. “Don’t worry, It’s nothing special. It just made me think of you” she let the bag dangle from her ring finger, voice nonchalant. 

“Thank you, Jo,” He says awkwardly. Carefully sifting through the silk paper in the bag he pulls out a light blue planner with bees on the cover, flicking through it, each week had a pollinator fact in one of the corners. 

“Thought you’d need more bug facts to annoy us all with” Jo shrugs. 

“They are not bug fa-" Cas cut's himself of "I love it, thank you Jo” Cas smiles genuinely this time, instantly groaning grabbing the bridge of his nose as he felt another stab of pain shoot through his brain. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Headache, you don’t happen to have any Advil on you?” Cas groans covering his face with his hands, trying to block out the light. He’d rather not miss any school, his AP classes already kicking his ass and being sent home to face his mother wouldn’t help his headache considering she was the main reason he had one in the first place. He swallows the pill Jo hands him dry.

“You sure you’re OK,” Jo asked with a crooked eyebrow, Cas had always envied people who knew how to only crook one eyebrow. When he tried it he just looked either slightly confused or slightly surprised. 

“My mother has decided it would benefit from working with the deacon a few times a month. She also kept mentioning how his daughter is my age and would make a ‘lovely wife someday’ suitable for a future doctor” Cas sighs. Reiterating his conversation with his mother from this morning to Jo. 

“Castiel you need to stop letting her dictate your life” Jo has said this to him before, of course, but it still grates on him. He never had understood the concept of teenage rebellion. The concept of teenagers had only existed since the 50s so how could there be an innate desire to rebel just because of your age? What would his grand act of rebellion even be? 

“It’s not like that. It’s just intense when I’m the only one living at home, Anna is still in Europe so mother focuses on me more than usual that's all”

Jo just gives him a pointed look but doesn’t say anything else. Perhaps, the reason Jo’s words and the idea of rebellion made him bristle was due to it going against everything he had been raised. To follow rules and live up to expectations his family had of him, and he knows he’ll never be able to fulfil the number one expectation and wish his mother had for him. He knows he won’t ever be able to have children and get married. Let alone marry a girl like Deacon Bartholomew's daughter, or anyone for that matter, not as long as he was- well as long as he was who he was. Michael had once said he was bent, a square peg in a round hole. 

Looking back at Castiel’s life one could argue that his life was being planned out for him. He had always been eager to please his parents, then his father had left so he tried twice as hard to please his mother. He can’t remember if the dream of medical school had been his or his mothers, all he knew was that medical school was his future. It made him wonder if perhaps he was like one of those tropical birds at the Cheyenne Zoo, content with its life as it could not fathom to dream of the limitless sky.

**  
  
  
  
**

***********

  
  


By lunch, Cas is grateful his headache is mostly gone. Charlie, now sat next to him reading a massive copy of the LoTR-trilogy, had given him a painting she had made ( it was a cartoon version of himself riding a bumblebee) for his birthday. Jo had buried her nose in a teen magazine, answering a “Find Your New Style”-quiz, while absent-mindedly chewing on a butterfly clip. Since sophomore year Jo had gone through multiple style identities, the junior year goth phase had been the most disturbing one thus far. Her current style, inspired by Baby Spice, was now on the chopping block. 

“Which actress would you say I’m most like?” Jo asked without looking up from her magazine. “Winona Ryder, Liv Tyler, Jodie Sweetin or Claire Danes?” 

“Jo you know, I’m unfamiliar with these people” Cas frowned at his lunch. Jo let out a tired sight. 

“Charlie?” The redhead, too engrossed with her book to have paid any attention to her surroundings completely ignored the question. 

“Char” Jo tried again, nothing

"Oak Ridge to Middle Earth!" She tapped the book finally getting Charlie's attention.

“Huh?” 

“Which actress would you- What the hell are you wearing?” They all turned to look at Ash who was putting his tray down next to Castiel, dressed in their school's Letterman jacket looking furious. 

“Mr Bellaron dress coded me for my anarchy and anti-war patches on my jean jacket!” He took out his anger by stabbing a tater tot with his knife. 

“Those do not violate the dress code,” Cas said confused sensing there was more to it. 

“What did you do?” Charlie and Jo asked in unison, voicing Cas’ suspicions out loud. 

“Yeah, well. I just pointed out what an embarrassing defeat the Vietnam war was and how the moon landing was funded by public funds, making it a socialist program, and how praising the victory in the space race as a capitalistic win was false and full of government propaganda! Oh man, the only difference between us and the USSR is that they left dogs up there. I bet we did worse, not that our government would admit I Besides the Soviets beat us to actual space, so if space was the goal they won! So obviously his grand act of revenge was to send me to the office for dress code violation” Ash said around a mouthful of tater tots. They all groaned in response. 

“Ash, you need to stop antagonizing Mr Bellaron or you’ll never pass poli. sci and stop talking in general or you'll end up on a watch list” Jo twisted her hair, securing the strand with the butterfly clip. 

“He was spreading lies! In a classroom! Is this what America has come to? Cas you agree. Right?” Ash turned to face him. Even though Cas strongly believed in facts, Mr Bellaron was not one to take lightly to having his authority questioned. “You need to pass Poli. sci. If you want to graduate this year and I doubt 'being on a watch list' is all that fun” he replied using air quotes around, 'watchlist', earning an eye roll from the other boy. "Traitor" He muttered but dropped the matter. 

Charlie returned to her book, Jo was consulting Ash about her style quiz dilemma, while Cas let his thoughts wander freely, he focused on the sounds around him, the steady hum of students and the drone of voices overlapped, making individual words indistinguishable from each other the murmur the same as always. It was a wried thought, to think, how High School seemed so important. Like it was the end all be all and college was just some far off dreamland that didn't _really_ exist until you got there. How many students before him had sat under the fluorescent lights listening to the buzz around them? How many after him? 

“How’s that going?” Ash’s question draws him back to his friends. He followed their eye line, to figure out what Ash referring to. Sam Winchester was waving at Jo from where he was sat with a small boy in glasses and a dark-haired girl. 

“Sam is a sweetheart, don’t see much of Dean since Bobby gave him a job he spends all his time at the garage. The little I do see of him, he's a complete dick." Jo blushed " Anyway. They’re moving out in a few days, apparently, their old man found them a place. I keep hearing my mom argue with Bobby about it” Jo said turning back to the table. 

“John Winchester is moving back into Town?” Charlie asked, suddenly interested in the conversation. "That's a ballsy move" 

“Don’t think so, that’s what has my mom is all up in arms, doesn't want them to live on their own, 'they're just kids Bobby'." Jo mimicked her mother's voice "What happened exactly? I didn’t live here then” Jo leaned in over the table. 

“From what I remember, people were saying that John kind of snapped after the murder of his wife. He then took Dean and Sam and bolted out of town. Some say HE was the one that killed her!” Charlie had closed LoTR. to relay the decade-old gossip to Jo. "It makes perfect sense he was an Officer, who better to cover up a murder? And the way he rushed out of town, I don't know a lot of people found it suspicious" Ash filled in. 

Cas remembered the rumours. Parents hadn’t been able to shield their children from the rumour mill that had erupted after the murder of Mary Winchester, the only murder to happen in their town in the past 30 years. The rumours had died years ago, but Cas doubted John would be a welcomed character were he to move back, at the very least it would start up the rumours again. Cas looked over at Sam, wondering exactly what he, and Dean had been up to in the last ten years. Cas thought back to the night Dean had joined them at the bonfire, had he been the same golden boy from Cas’ childhood? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos if you enjoyed it and comment with anything you'd like. Any feedback helps me a lot :)


	7. There's no word yet, for old friends who have just met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slight reference to using alcohol as a coping mechanism? It's a SPN fic unhealthy coping mechanisms are a given no? Anyone else attended the virtual panels? How are we feeling about them? 
> 
> I'm currently on s7 on my rewatch and I like s7 more than I remembered! 
> 
> I still have dyslexia so my mistakes are all my own. I do go over older chapters to fix stupid mistakes I spot, somehow it is easier to spot mistakes after you already pressed 'post'. A free trial to Grammarly only gets me so far : D

It’s a Friday a few weeks later, early October and his mother had gone out-of-town, to visit Michael and Lucien at UPenn, leaving him alone with his step-father. When his Mother had first introduced Zachariah to him and his siblings when he was 10yo; Cas had thought the man had resembled a toad, with his bulging eyes and wide mouth, perhaps, an unfair comparison but one that he still found accurate seven years later. Zachariah had the tendency of puffing himself up, to seem more important than he was, not much unlike a toad croaking. 

Cas sits on the bottom step to tie his running shoes in double knots. Their Thursday track practice had been cancelled so he was hoping to run a good 8 miles before it got dark to make up for it. 

“Where do you think you are going” Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Cas didn’t bother with a reply. Shooting Zachariah a pointed look, he adjusted his running shorts and IcePeak sweatshirt, left behind by Gabriel. He stepped around the older man, who was now blocking the front door. 

“Castiel, as long as you live under my roof I expect you to show me some respect and answer my questions. Do I need to have a conversation with Naomi?” Zach’s tone was as condescending as ever. 

“Of course not, I’m sorry. I am going for a run” Cas’ replied, struggling to keep the annoyance out of his voice. He wasn’t one to hate anyone, but he strongly disliked his step-father. He didn’t wait to hear what else he had to say as he hurried out the door and if he closed it a bit too loudly, so be it. 

The early October weather was still mild, the sun warm on his face and bare legs. Cas jogged to the end of their driveway where he stopped to stretch his legs and shoulders before setting a steady pace down the road. The rhythmic _thud_ of his feet hitting the pavement in time with his breaths made it easy to slip into the runner's trance, where the only thing in focus was the steady ground and the road ahead. Cas loved it. It allowed him to completely empty his mind, he didn’t even listen to music while he ran. Jo called him psychotic for it, he in return would give her the definition of psychotic, which would only earn him en eye roll. 

Cas passed the other homes in his middle-class neighbourhood in a blur, turning towards the edge of the town before the got to the road with all the private estates, where he had lived before his father had left. He had made a habit out of running towards the pig farm, but instead of cutting through the town centre, he’d run around it past the old Oak. It had been years since he had been up to the old tree, which is why it was weird that he now felt compelled to run up the grassy hill. 

Someone was seated on the ground leaning against the trunk head thrown back with their eyes closed, the smell of cigarettes lingering around them. Cas cleared his throat to announce his presence. The other man whipped around caught off guard, their expression went from alarmed to a huge grin.

“Jeesh Cas, don’t sneak up on a man like that” Dean settled back against the tree.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you” Cas took a few deep breaths to even out his breathing. Dean huffed a laugh “Nice knees” He eyed Cas, before leaning his head back, eyes closed. 

“My-” Cas frowned down at his bare legs, but Dean interrupted him before he could finish his thought. 

“Care to join me or are you just gonna stand there?” He said without opening his eyes. Cas contemplated just continuing his run. Instead, he sat down next to Dean with a sigh leaving a foot space between them, ignoring the smirk tugging at the corners of Dean’s mouth. 

They fell into a comfortable silence, the setting sun turned the light golden but with the loss of the warmth of the sun, the October breeze was quick to remind them of what season it was. Castiel had turned his head to study Dean’s face and how the light bounced off his cheekbones highlighting the freckles dotted there. 

“Do you mind?” Dean’s voice brought Cas out of his trance. _Crap_ , he knew his habit of staring at people tended to make them uncomfortable. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-” 

Dean interrupted him again. “Do you mind if I smoke?” He held up a pack of red Marlboro. _Oh._ Cas’ gestured for Dean to go right ahead, who lit the cigarette taking a deep breath, ashing on the ground next to him. Cas frowned, noticing all the cigarette butts littering the ground around Dean, he must have been sitting here for a while. 

“Something troubling you,” Cas said more as a statement than a question. Dean looked at him taking another big drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke away from Cas. 

“What on earth could possibly bother me? I’m living the dream” He said with a wink. 

“I find that people with nothing on their mind don’t tend to smoke half a pack in one sitting” Cas gestured to the butts on the ground. Dean sat up slightly straighter. “Yeah, well it was too early to start drinking” His smile seemed stiff and didn’t reach his eyes

“You’re seventeen” Cas wasn’t against underage drinking per se, he had done it and watched his friends get drunk on multiple occasions, but that had always been in the context of celebrating or teenage rebellion. Drinking by yourself seemed… troubling. 

“Yeah, but you see ‘troubles’ as you put it, don’t wait until you become an adult” Dean’s voice had a strain to it. He busied himself with the almost gone cigarette. 

“That’s awfully inconsiderate of them” Cas stated with a straight face, earning a genuine laugh from Dean as he stubbed out the finished cigarette. 

“You haven’t changed much have you, Cas? You still talk in that - in that way you talk” Cas had been told this multiple times and it was more often than not intended as an insult. “ No offence. Just an observation it’s who you’re Cas nothing wrong with that” Dean continued with a smirk patting Cas on the shoulder. There was no malice in his words, Cas was no good at reading people and often got it wrong unintentionally insulting them, but something about Dean made Cas feel at ease. 

“You’ve changed,” He said, studying Dean’s face. “ You’re cocky now. Don’t think that’s who you’re though” Cas shrugged. 

“Is that so?” 

“Just an observation” 

Dean laughed again, making his eyes crinkle. “Touche” He stood up dusting off his jeans and shedding his oversized leather dumping it on the ground leaving him in a grey T-shirt, looking up at the Oak. “You think we can still climb this thing?” He asked grabbing the lowest branch testing his weight on it. 

“You want to climb a tree?” 

“I wanna climb this tree, come on Cas. Old times sake.” Dean offered him a hand to pull him up from the ground. “I’ll let you be Batman,” he winked. This time Cas was the one to laugh. 

Heaving themselves up onto the branches was a lot easier than it had been at age seven. The whole tree seemed smaller, the branches slimmer and less sturdy. The sun was licking the top of the tree line, it would disappear completely behind it in under an hour, engulfing them, the tree and the town in the dim light of autumn twilight. They were dangling their feet off of the branch they were sitting on. 

“Bobby told me to take the weekend off, and if I showed up at the garage he’d fire me, total BS but anywho. Sam is at the library again, he’s too smart for his own good. So I- I went for a drive and I don’t know man, this place is full of memories I guess” Dean made a subconscious reach for his cigarettes, only to realise he left them on the ground with his jacket. Cas gave him a confused look.

“Earlier, when you asked what was bugging me” Dean clarified, his voice hollow. Cas tried to catch the look on Dean’s face, but he avoided his eyes on purpose. Then he realised what Dean was referring to. It was almost exactly ten years since his father had grabbed him and Sam and left town. Ten years since -

“How-” Cas tried carefully. 

“So how about you?” He interrupted quickly, desperate to change the subject.

“Me?” 

“Oh, don’t tell me your life is the poster for a Hallmark movie” Dean poked him in the arm, teasingly. Cas squinted at Dean, not sure what kind of answer he was expecting. “I guess my mother can be a bit overbearing and my step-father he’s unpleasant” Cas cringed at his own words. Dean huffed a laugh “Family can be rotten” 

They sit in silence after that, watching as the sun sunk below the trees. Once it was dark Dean lowered himself down from the tree. He had to go pick Sam up from the library and offered to drive Cas home, which he gladly accepted. Castile found that he liked the interior of Dean's car, it smelled like the mix of worn leather and pine air-freshener underlined with a hint of cigarette smoke. It was a comfortable ride, the drove in silence only sound coming from the car stereo playing some rock song on a low volume. Dean must know it well as he was quietly humming along. Cas didn't have to give Dean directions to his house, he must remember from the bonfire night. Before Cas got out of the car, when they were parked in front of his house, he invited Dean to join him and his friends the following night. Dean accepted, and after giving Cas the phone number to his trailer home so they could exchange details later, he drove off. It wasn't until now that Cas realised how cold and stiff he was, sitting down for hours in the lowering temperatures probably wasn't the smartest idea. Cas jogged up to the house excited for a hot shower and the idea of crawling into bed with a good book. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual leaving kudos and comments are highly encouraged and welcomed. They help me a lot, any criticism is welcome but be kind or I'll cry.


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